Yeha...sooooo....

I sucked. I did not keep my promise to my self, for all of dec or Jan,

But I am getting back on track. And that is what is important. It is soooo hard for me to get into a routine, of any kinda. But once I do, I am soooo much happier.

So here is my some what iffy scedual, that I am goona try to use this week, We shall see how it goes.

5:30 am get up, coffe, work out video. Shower when done and do all my girly crap.
7am get the son up and start breakfast
7;30am get the hubby person up
8am dishes and light cleaning
10am-11am GED study
11:30 start lunch prep
1-3pm cleaning and crap
5pm start supper
6 eat and bath time for child.
7 bed time for child
10 pm bed time for me

Lets see how it works.

Now for the bad part....i am goona go find my scale and weigh myself...

ick... 201.2

well the good news is that i did not gain weight during my 2 months of slacking off.I am hovering around 200.
I want to loose 5 lbs by the end of Feb. Healthy. That is the goal. Healthy.

This is so hard for me, I keep wanting to fall back on my old ways.

Fat girl here with eating disorders.

Once long ago I hit 190lbs and I decided to starve myself. and binge and purge. Not good. I did it anyway. Even had a skinny book. I lusted after tiny wasitlines. I knew the entire time I was being unhealthy, but I wanted the weight off. I can feel myself starting to drift that way again. We are not well off, money wise. So we rely on food stamps. With the rising cost of food recently, the budget got away from me, and I found myself with very little in the house this last week. I make sure the hubby and the kiddo eat. No problems there, But I know I am secretly glad I have an excuse to eat only once a day and a small portion. I need to get away from this thinking. Starvation mode is not something to fuck with. I know this.
Why am I so happy I can feel hunger pains then? I don;t know, but I do know I will have to talk to the hubby about this. I can not put my body threw that again. I know this, then why do i still feel this way. I do want to starve, I want to eat and be able to have fun working out. I want to be one of those people again who run for joy and stress relife.

Gads. I am screwed up, I am gonna go shower. even though I havent worked out yet.